out of my mind!
Printed From: Lyrical Assault
Category: Archive Forums
Forum Name: Wicked WordSmiths
Forum Description: .
URL: http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=23453
Printed Date: 27 March 2026 at 2:53am
Topic: out of my mind!
Posted By: evidentz
Subject: out of my mind!
Date Posted: 17 November 2012 at 12:02am
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words on a paper, syringe or a razor, put on a butchers apron, chase you out of anger, the hilltop strangler, fuck around and just mangle her, head, cut the body up, throw the bitch in the shed. corrupt since day one fucked up since age one, torment kids on the block, put chemicals in my spray gun. be little me, meet reality, suck yo ass up like there was no such thing as gravity. lifes a tragedy and im makin shit tragic, walk into random funeral homes and take a shit ib the casket. my brains gone, i lay around all day long, plottin shit to kill my dad and mom, ima tickin timebomb waitin to go off, yall soft like fake pussies, no bake cookies, you crumble, im out of this world like a space shuttle, call the plays no huddle, literally give yu an arm and leg in a surrand wrap bundle. back in grade school, these kids thought they were way cool, till i told people make room, empty a whole clip, so much blood, made it look like a wave pool. teachers say i need help, parents dont give a shit, strangled my brother with a seatbelt, stuck the body in the trunk of a caravan at a dealership. my shits off scale, hid in a hotel, sent a package to mom and dad full of anthrax in the mail. im sorry im so onry but satans takin over my body and makin me lose control like japan during a tsunami. look at all the people im chasin, its friday the 13th and im about to become jason!!
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Replies:
Posted By: DressToKill
Date Posted: 17 November 2012 at 12:48am
You really need to break up your lines, I can't tell where one starts and another one ends, you seem to have some ok rhymes but nothing really outstanding. Still, a good starting point
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The original comeback kid
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Posted By: Young Smokez
Date Posted: 17 November 2012 at 1:07am
Yeah, just hit "Enter" after every line to make a more convienent way to read and type your bars. This kind of reminds me of an old school Eminem if I had to compare to someone, which is good in my opinion. You do need a better rhyme scheme though, there was a lot of basic rhyming going on and nothing that really stood out that would pull a lot of people in. I mean it is also your first post, so don't feel down cause I'm new to. But work on organizing the set-up more, use more comple words, and a few hard punchlines would make it so much better, believe me on that. Otherwise, keep writing and hope to see more drops soon man. Good luck.
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I <3 Haters
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