HW Topical (Rd 2) - Zinilli v Scoot
Printed From: Lyrical Assault
Category: Tournament Boards
Forum Name: Heat Wave
Forum Description: A summer tournament featuring Text, Audio, Topical and Tag Team events.
URL: http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=40342
Printed Date: 27 March 2026 at 2:44am
Topic: HW Topical (Rd 2) - Zinilli v Scoot
Posted By: Cuba
Subject: HW Topical (Rd 2) - Zinilli v Scoot
Date Posted: 10 August 2015 at 9:22pm
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Quarter Final: HEAT WAVE Topic = Firefighter responding to an emergency Max 24lines Best of three votes from nominated JUDGES Deadline = midnight, 23rd August ------------- 
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Replies:
Posted By: Scotty32
Date Posted: 21 August 2015 at 10:13pm
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About to tuck into spam an eggs, when the siren blares Caught unaware, jumpin outta chairs, we run in pairs Down the pole, the engines roll, to a fire outta control Speedin thru the cold night, of the dark cities soul Hit the Blues n Twos, there's no time to lose suited up fire crews hear the latest news See the red glow an flames grow, from the ragin inferno Onlookers pushin to an fro, ta catch a glimps of the show smell of smoke an ash from the old saw mill it gives me a thrill, a chance to flex ma skill I love to be the hero, the man of the hour just call me a firefightin jack bauer! strike an action pose, girls love ma fire hose See me in tha firefighter calendar bearin no clothes I enter the blaze, no visibility from the smokey haze can feel the heat from the firey rays in this deadly maze cant ignore we're fightin a war, as I storm the nearest door as the flames sore ever more, I'm deafened by the fires roar I stumble, my foot catchs an I stagger then tumble as I struggle to my feet I see a boys body in the rubble as am shakin, something inside's awakened, surely I must be mistaken the place was meant to be vacant when I set fire to the basement I cant take it, steppin into the gates of hell to join satans cell as the flames begin to swell, I say my final farewell... -------------  |
Posted By: Zinaii
Date Posted: 23 August 2015 at 11:57pm
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The fire cackled as it burned the wood inside of this Arizona forest As the wildfire blazed saving mother nature had never been more important "They" knew no cause of origin; but it could be hours or days till its extinguished We've had to nearly use our entire crew, to help contain the blaze of embers Whatever had started this fire; it was truly awful for the time Because if it continued to spread, it could cross the city lines But guilt set in; as I was in this forest before dispatch had called us I knew I'd done something risky, but didn't think the facts were obvious Enjoying nature on a day off, though I remained on call 24 hours a day I had met with a few friends; the whole day beers we'd pounded away And some decisions were made; they may have put the forest into jeopardy But the last thing I wanted was for me or any of my boys to get arrested see Dispatch called me into the station, I was pacing for my breath Until I almost lost once I realized the fire was in the same place I'd just left In the fire truck I pondered, how is it possibly that we'd get into this From the drunk friend of mine and the cigarette he'd flicked. |
Posted By: Nigma
Date Posted: 26 August 2015 at 3:02am
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About to tuck into spam an eggs, when the siren blares first off cool opening line. unique imagery Caught unaware, jumpin outta chairs, we run in pairs Down the pole, the engines roll, to a fire outta control Speedin thru the cold night, of the dark cities soul Hit the Blues n Twos, there's no time to lose suited up fire crews hear the latest news pretty good, needed to add a syllable in the end rhyme to nail that segment down tho. not saying its a good example conceptually but 'latest find in news' would have balanced the syllables in each line and matched the end rhyme in the previous rhyme much more closely. See the red glow an flames grow, from the ragin inferno Onlookers pushin to an fro, ta catch a glimps of the show smell of smoke an ash from the old saw mill it gives me a thrill, a chance to flex ma skill imagery was really good and has been thanks to your descriptive word choice. youve also had a great tone, and one youve kept up throughout the verse. 'chance to flex ma skill' really didnt mesh with that tone, slight hiccup I love to be the hero, the man of the hour just call me a firefightin jack bauer! lol like ^ this strike an action pose, girls love ma fire hose See me in tha firefighter calendar bearin no clothes pics plz I enter the blaze, no visibility from the smokey haze can feel the heat from the firey rays in this deadly maze cant ignore we're fightin a war, as I storm the nearest door as the flames sore ever more, I'm deafened by the fires roar again, imagery helping keep the story progressing in the readers mind. minor nitpick, the 'as' in the last line stuck out as unnecessary, having just used it 5 words prior. I stumble, my foot catchs an I stagger then tumble as I struggle to my feet I see a boys body in the rubble as am shakin, something inside's awakened, surely I must be mistaken the place was meant to be vacant when I set fire to the basement I cant take it, steppin into the gates of hell to join satans cell as the flames begin to swell, I say my final farewell... damn, as feeding as i read and the closer here was awesome. it was unpredictable, well executed twist. nicely done. The fire cackled as it burned the wood inside of this Arizona forest As the wildfire blazed saving mother nature had never been more important "They" knew no cause of origin; but it could be hours or days till its extinguished We've had to nearly use our entire crew, to help contain the blaze of embers Whatever had started this fire; it was truly awful for the time Because if it continued to spread, it could cross the city lines But guilt set in; as I was in this forest before dispatch had called us I knew I'd done something risky, but didn't think the facts were obvious Enjoying nature on a day off, though I remained on call 24 hours a day I had met with a few friends; the whole day beers we'd pounded away And some decisions were made; they may have put the forest into jeopardy But the last thing I wanted was for me or any of my boys to get arrested see Dispatch called me into the station, I was pacing for my breath Until I almost lost once I realized the fire was in the same place I'd just left In the fire truck I pondered, how is it possibly that we'd get into this From the drunk friend of mine and the cigarette he'd flicked. just read that it one go, nothing jumped out as if it needed to be broken down (not in a bad way) i really liked the abstract angle you went into this with. solid pace, you started foreshadowing fairly early, it made the outcome fairly predictable (especially coming after scotties twist which is unlucky) so it didnt have that twist factor so much. mechanically sound all the way through, the subject matter is real for me cause ive been literally surrounded by forest fires these last few weeks, been bad. all in all, very solid verse. didnt have any standout segments but was consistent. only complaint is that it was sort of a verse that relied on the twist, and it wasnt much of a twist. very solid regardless. Scotties had its up and downs, good vocab, slightly basic in terms of mechanics, but had a solid opener and a nicely executed ending. Zin was very consistent, had well placed wording and strong end rhymes, could have suppressed information a bit better to keep the reader guessing tho. For a more memorable verse, gotta go with +1 Scoot
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Posted By: Cuba
Date Posted: 31 August 2015 at 10:59am
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Scoot - very impressed by the end twist, didn't really see it coming...reflecting back I really liked how you played up to his ego of being the hero. That was really strong. Know you were thinking you needed to up your lyricism in this round and felt you did that, good use of multis (in the classic sense of rhyme scheme rather than multi syllable rhymes)...I liked how you progressed your narrative but also dropped in good colour details, so what you were eating at the time of the call, he calendar stuff, that's really good quality touches that bring that sense of realism to the story. I think where you struggled a little bit was in terms of the mechanics of the verse, what I mean by that is you can tell it doesn't have a really high end rhythm and tempo...often people achieve that through the mutlisyllable rhymes, as that almost creates the rhythm for them, whereas you have a quite basic flow...I think that's really the difference between a high level writer and a good level writer is that you know how to make it so it reads smooth (I.e. You don't stumble when you read it and it's not jagged) but you don't necessarily command the rhythm...whereas if you read someone like Chain that's probably one of his greatest qualities & something he probably works very hard on to get it right. I think the other areas where you could've been a little stronger was on imagery (so similes and metaphors rather than creating images), as you did really well at description but you didn't have a great deal of literary imagery I think the Jack Bauer one was the only one I noticed, not that you NEED imagery but that's something that again will take you a level up & obviously the trick is maintaining the rhyme scheme and the narrative all at the same time!! Overall, I think this was a really good verse, you have some areas to work on but for me those are the "added extras", in terms of the fundamentals you had a really good narrative which you progressed well and you had a surprising and well executed plot twist in there. Was really good work. Zin - hmmmm, first thing I noticed was you looked like you had a short verse, guessing you've written both your verses lastminute,com and not realised this was a 24 line limit as opposed to the 16 lines required for the text side. I think that's really inhibited you here as obviously it's more difficult to write a shorter topical verse (hence the reason for extending the limit as the rounds progress)...immediately reading your verse I think you brought those "added extras" which Scooty lacked, felt like you had that voice which commands the rhythm, although it wasn't perfectly worded you could tell you were conscious of it while you were writing it. Personally i wasn't the greatest fan of the approach you took, I guess the problem with the abstract first part was that you were eating into your line limit (as perceived as 16) which then tied your hands even more as to what you could do...you then basically revealed what was going to happen when you talked about guilt (I was hoping you were going to flip the fire engine because you were drunk or something, but you kind of went with the obvious)...I think ultimately that's where you fell down in terms of the verse, in terms of technical qualities there wasn't much to grumble about, I actually liked the ebb and flow of the verse, but I think you didn't really give yourself much of a chance to progress the narrative, which limited your ability to surprise, which underwhelmed at the end. So yeah, it's quite a tough one...you can grasp straight away that Zin is a more accomplished writer, but I wasn't really that convinced by his story or the way he approached it. In itself I liked the abstract segment but it was to the detriment of the rest of the verse, and I think the fact he only wrote 16 lines was another factor. Scoot on the other hand was more basic, but actually he painted a picture and he had a really good plot twist, I really liked the idea of the arrogant egotistical hero being an arsonist for the glory. So on that basis I think I will also give Scooty the nod here, which I don't think I would've believed when I opened the thread!! Vote = Scoot for a better executed narrative and more compelling story. -------------
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Posted By: Cuba
Date Posted: 31 August 2015 at 10:59am
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Scoot eliminates the reigning topical champ to advance to the semi final! P.S. Huge respect to Zin for getting 2 verses in for the tourney by the original deadline, I'm sure that was a contributing factor and I respect you getting a verse in that didn't do yourself full justice than just no showing like a lot of other people chose to do. -------------
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