Open Mic: from the heart

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   Listen up real close so you can figure out the rhymeI really wish I didn't have a concept of time,
Like an animal, the fear is not irrational
The fear of running out of time for men like me is factional.
Don't wanna dwell on all the shit I've ever done in my life
I wanna focus on the positive and break free from strife,
Cause I'm an MC not a rapper, 
it's your heart, mind and soul that I wanna capture.

Take your mentality to another level 
don't get caught up with society, Equivalent to Devil.
Twisted views on reality, peoples sexuality
Put that shit to rest and search for form of spirituality.
People don't know how to act, I thought to myself
"with the 'sense' they need a smack" 
It's really true yes, Mark Kidd the true ruler is back.

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kidder Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 14 September 2013 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 19	Post Options Post Reply Quote kidder Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Topic: from the heart Posted: 07 January 2014 at 1:09am
	Listen up real close so you can figure out the rhyme I really wish I didn't have a concept of time, Like an animal, the fear is not irrational The fear of running out of time for men like me is factional. Don't wanna dwell on all the shit I've ever done in my life I wanna focus on the positive and break free from strife, Cause I'm an MC not a rapper, it's your heart, mind and soul that I wanna capture. Take your mentality to another level don't get caught up with society, Equivalent to Devil. Twisted views on reality, peoples sexuality Put that shit to rest and search for form of spirituality. People don't know how to act, I thought to myself "with the 'sense' they need a smack" It's really true yes, Mark Kidd the true ruler is back.

kidder Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 14 September 2013 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 19	Post Options Post Reply Quote kidder Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 07 January 2014 at 2:37pm
	Need feedback fellow heads, I'm relatively new to writing so would appreciate some tips Peace.

Manc Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Superior Member Joined: 02 April 2010 Status: Offline Points: 7032 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 82-4-2 Form: WWWWNW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Manc Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 07 January 2014 at 2:52pm
	Welcome to the site Mark Try not to rhyme JUST for the sake of rhyming - try and make your rhymes make sense from one line to the next. Like, when you write a bar (2 lines), make both lines connect with content, not just with rhyming words. I can break down a few lines for you if you wouldn't mind me doing so - just so you can see an example. Let me know. Also, you'll see this said a lot - go and look through verses from established members and take tips from how they construct verses, what they rhyme about, how they use words, how they use rhyme schemes to make their verses smooth to read. Asking for advice is the first step to improvement - so you're well on your way and you made the right choice joining LA

Freeda5thDawg Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Standard Member Joined: 19 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 1324 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 5-1-0 Form: WWWLWW	Post Options Post Reply Quote Freeda5thDawg Report Post Likes(0) Quote Reply Posted: 08 January 2014 at 10:38am
	As Manc mentioned, consistency is very key in writing a complete verse. I could see that your effort was focused on a different variety of ideas and although a lot of them DO relate in a more universal web of discussion, there's lines that simply don't fit in or seem to only act as filler lines so that a rhyme is present. For example, the very first line of the piece serves as a general opener and could be used in any kind of verse but I think it was wasted filler seeing as the rest of the content after it is very meaningful and deserved something more significant to begin your verse. The very last line of the piece was also filler. You go on to touch on some really relevant topics but the way you end it, whether that was the intent or not, just turns out looking like some self praise towards your own self when most of the lines before it were about more than that. Keep it consistent. Keep practicing and if there's true desire to improve, take Manc's advice and see if you can learn or take something from other writers.