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Scotty32 
Site Owner 
Speaker of Wisdom & Truth Joined: 18 October 2003 Location: North West, UK Status: Offline Points: 10491 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-4-0 Form: WLLWLL |
 Topic: [R1-B1] Nigerchu vs ExoduztPosted: 22 May 2014 at 8:13pm |
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Rules 16 - 24 Lines Deadline: 29th May 2014 at 8:00pm BST (GMT + 1) No extensions will be given - Late Entry = DQ Verses to be posted in this thread Crew Votes Allowed Participant Voting Allowed Topic You wake up in an abandoned warehouse covered in blood
Edited by Scotty32 - 24 May 2014 at 12:03pm |
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nigerchu
Standard Member 
Joined: 27 April 2014 Status: Offline Points: 682 Crew: Hunger Games Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-6-0 Form: LLWLLL |
Posted: 24 May 2014 at 10:26pm |
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Waking up to the sound of birds sing, this summer vacation has been great Breaking up with my ex was bad, leaving her house was worse, but I guess that's fate I never want to leave this bed, it's so confy and warm, this neighborhood is so nice Altough I could go check around a little, this apartment has to compensate for its price Let's see, what to dress, I'll go casual, just a T-Shirt and some jeans I go out to the street, couples chatting on the porch, people look so friendly, or so it seems But there's this one building that stands out, an abandoned library that creeps me out I try to avoid it but there's some force pushing me in and, as much as I want to, I can't shout I finally give in and it leads me to the horror books section, I'm pissing myself There's one book with a black cape called "Dream" just sitting on the shelf I pick it up and start reading it, it's full of drawings of skulls, maybe a di-a-ry Until i get to one page and it says somethin' about a boy, it's kinda sca-a-ry "Two corpses next to me and I was covered in this red liquide, on the ground, I drew a skull" "Nothing can satisfie my murder wishes, these two were so dull" "Nothing will seem more obvious than to think I slit their throats and pu them here" "I need to hide them, they're telling me to do,... thing... the voices in my head I hear" "Next time I'll muder my whole family, make 'em pay for what I've been through" "Maybe the whole fucking city, that'll be fun" Undersigned- ... CHU *SCREAMS* ... My lovely wife sleeping next to me, kitchen... I'll get a cup of tea These past nightmares have to stop now, they're killing me |
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Exoduzt
Superior Member 
NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
Posted: 29 May 2014 at 2:10am |
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"Crack House Baby" It was dark and warm until I saw the light thats blinding... It was like my eyesight was tryin' to ride & fight the lightning... This life's enticing? Cus I heard stories in the womb that this place was a palace... My bloody body hits the floor and all I taste is metallic... As I look at my mother just disgraced wasted no balance... Track marks race as the face of this caucassion was callused... So I guess I need to face it with malice. Maybe display it with scorn... wipe away the sweat and regret this is the day I was born... As I see my baby book under meth and i bet the pages are torn... Inside this abandoned building whos gonna be the next to die... My mom from OD'n or me from bein' cold and petrified... Roll the dice & lets decide she has ice in her veins & just ingested pesticides... How I stress my mother had neglected all these wreckless strides... Now its time to test the skies I wish she kept it wise... never slept with guys and respected MY... gleam in her eye but the drugs were more important... shit was crazy trade a baby isnt extortion according to her sources... I started to shake and convulse as my face turned blue... my mother is gonna smother me she dont want a court case too... As I lay their crying knowing I'm going to die... my mom said she loved me and hugged me knowing she lied... So in the end I became a statistic of a bunch of stranded children... that was killed still alive bloodied in an abandoned building... |
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Rapper T
Standard Member
Joined: 25 November 2013 Location: NZ Status: Offline Points: 1431 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 22-27-0 Form: LLLWLW |
Posted: 29 May 2014 at 9:04am |
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nigerchu you had an alright style and flow but readin't through yours was off topic, was looking for a connection with the topical to be stronger in your verse. There was a disconnect from the topic, your concept was aiit with the whole waking up and going to the warehouse and that but at this level with topicals you really needed to invest more time into your overall concept and structure. Some rhymes rhyme and that but you could look into more complexity when it comes to your rhyme scheme as well to help your flow
Exoduzt, the ellipses were ott, I had to ... kind ... of ... ignore ... those, your rhyme scheme and how the bars stretched the multies through them with inners on topic was just overall better and read through smoother so the flow was better. Some of the lines were out of kilter in the structure in what didn't seem to be artistic placing so the structure could have been cleaner but overall there were some darker or deeper concepts in your verse I liked MVGT Exoduzt
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Zinaii
Standard Member
Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 2957 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-27-10 Form: WLNNNL |
Posted: 29 May 2014 at 3:49pm |
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good verse chu my main thing with your verse is in some parts it felt a little random it was an ok story but it was also easy to get kinda lost. the part where u went in the library was nice thought more coulda been done to tie that into it. even tho technically it was sposed to be a warehouse but that's no biggie to me. then ur last three bars just seemed all over the place to me. but, u have the write idea just have to work on cohesion in ur stories and bring that shit together. nice twist at the end to.
ex I like ur approach u were just straightforward with it; very very vivid and detailed story I could see line for line what was goin on. the multis carried the story along and made it a smooth read. from place is a palace to caucasion is callused was probably my personal fav but no complaints about the verse u did ur thing dude exo gmv good battle by both |
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Nigma
Site Moderator
Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4078 Crew: Elision   |
Posted: 30 May 2014 at 6:25am |
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chu, not a bad angle at the story but your writing mechanics held you back here. the length of your lines ruffled up the flow for me and your bar for bar approach was kinda disjointed. that can be effective but you need some kinda transition from bar to bar imo. you had some vivid imagery in there tho, especially with the more gruesome content but choppy flow and some less then perfect end rhymes placed a limit on things for me
exo, youre fucked in the head. wtf is wrong with you.. disgustingly delicious angle at this, it was well written and had some really nice lines with a simplistic and natural appeal to them. the 'taste is metallic' line stood out to me but there were plenty of noteworthy images. you may have won the battle but you also seem to have lossed your sanity. win win? +1 Exo |
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Scotty32
Site Owner
Speaker of Wisdom & Truth Joined: 18 October 2003 Location: North West, UK Status: Offline Points: 10491 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 3-4-0 Form: WLLWLL |
Posted: 31 May 2014 at 2:49pm |
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3 KO to Exoduzt, he's through to the next round.
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