Open Mic: Nicholas' Monologue |
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alicewonder 
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Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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 Topic: Nicholas' MonologuePosted: 15 October 2015 at 12:11am |
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Woke up in a Nietzsche's dream, where the overmen's breathing cease the equivalent of an ego taking over, bliss supreme draw the prequel scheme, a sole shadow of literacy coupled with a torpid gesture, the culpa magnas inter leap some stoic sentence from an ancient language morphing into spoken patterns, a trunken habit wonder this time, was it Niccolos or Mason's call? the prince's sainted stroll, ignited by a momentous lucidity of politocracy, disguised as pretension's humility the niche-esque scrutiny, of the crowd's power the "I" couldn't be more proud of. |
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Sky Scrapur
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Joined: 21 October 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1133 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Audio Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-1-0 Form: L |
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Posted: 15 October 2015 at 4:29pm |
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I will assume you are a poet'ess. This really reads and flows like a poem. I loved the tone in which you used i could almost see someone reciting this piece. Great vocab and imagery. Keep it up.
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Storm $hadow
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Joined: 25 July 2015 Location: Abuja Status: Offline Points: 329 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-4-0 Form: LLLL |
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Posted: 15 October 2015 at 4:45pm |
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Good piece of art..
Flow- this was good, despite some places where you switch your syllables count and your flow went off a bit.. Imagery- i don't see any unique imagery in this.. Rhyming- was unable to find any.. Wordings- good work here but don't you think you over did it? I mean there were places where i had to make references to my lexicon before i was able to grasped meaning of the words |
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The Rap Daemon
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Posted: 15 October 2015 at 5:12pm |
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https://theprincesstroll.wordpress.com/2015/08/10/livys-spiel-intro/
I love a good of piece of poetry. I'm always reading poems. This is a true art form. Fantastic use of words, and reads brilliantly. Share more of your poems here rather than 'there'! I love reading 'em, and you did a good job with this one!! |
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alicewonder
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Joined: 09 May 2015 Location: uk Status: Offline Points: 653 Crew: Kratos Kind Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 2-1-2 Form: WWLNN |
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Posted: 15 October 2015 at 8:05pm |
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Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it.
The rhyming pattern was kept simple, that's true, but yet it had end rhymes. As for the 'overdoing' in regard to the vocab, it's a subjective point I guess, but thanks for pointing it out. And Rap Daemon, glad you found my blog :)
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Mitch.Wagwaan
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Posted: 17 October 2015 at 9:18pm |
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I like your use of vocabulary, words that were all relevent to the portrail of your message in this short piece. I like your opening bar, the rhyme scheme was structured nicely. In places of your verse it was stretched to conpensate for the content but with a little polish up, trim, rewording, would be my only critism. Overall it was a enjoyable read.
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alicewonder
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Posted: 17 October 2015 at 10:37pm |
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Thank you, I really appreciate it. I'll try to polish it up!
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alicewonder
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Posted: 22 October 2015 at 1:48am |
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any more feed is appreciated guys!
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key3
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Posted: 30 October 2015 at 11:01am |
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in terms of poetry its great, not really for rapping however in my opinion.
I would suggest trying to look at your syllables as musical notes and each bar (1 bar=2 lines) follows a time signature. also experiment with a metronome or beat. i think that might help you get a feel for more of a, rhythmic bounce and or flow through out your bars n transitions. try establishing symmetry between rhymes in your lines also. hope that helps keep it up
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http://i62.tinypic.com/2l8hiye.jpg
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alicewonder
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Posted: 15 December 2015 at 6:21am |
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thanks, I'll try to put more emphasise on thoroughly matching syllables and rhyme schemes next time.
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TittySucker
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Posted: 15 December 2015 at 1:33pm |
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What does it mean?
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alicewonder
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Posted: 15 December 2015 at 3:32pm |
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it's not a good sign if the content's not understandable, now is it? haha..
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Sammy
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Posted: 15 December 2015 at 9:03pm |
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why do i feel i've read this before? have you posted this elsewhere?
really liked this. lots of philosphical ideas. I'm vaguely familiar with stuff Neitzche ideas like Apollonian dreams and Donysian so i found the perceived core of this rap very interesting. There's a strong internal conflict presence at play - like an personal battle being fought, at least thats what i got out of it. good stuff.
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Nigma
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Posted: 15 December 2015 at 9:15pm |
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Disagree wholeheartedly! Small details that can't be comprehended add to intrigue. Welcome to the site btw, sorry I never responded to your PM on RR but I've lost computer usage and am limited to phone posts. I really enjoyed this though and will provide more in depth feedback in due time |
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alicewonder
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Posted: 16 December 2015 at 12:11am |
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It might be that you saw this on another site already, since I was more active on there. Thanks for the feedback, I'm glad the initial core of this is rather clear, you pointed it out perfectly! And good looking on the Apollonian reference.
Thanks Nigma, good to see you here! And I appreciate it, as long as the core content isn't too vague I guess it can be interesting. Oh so that's what it was, and I thought you didn't bother responding since I was spamming your inbox, haha! Btw, sorry about the outcome, let me know if you're still interested in it. I got my verse ready.
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alicewonder wrote: