Open Mic: My life
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snowmanIAm View Drop Down
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Joined: 18 January 2016
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 Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote snowmanIAm Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: My life
    Posted: 10 February 2017 at 7:41am
Snowman snowman snowman
When I was born we were going through a rough time
Couldn't even afford seasonings like thyme
As I grew up went house to house to house
Forward to age 17 got my first car
Drove the fucker everywhere but felt like I was in a jar
It was a piece of shit no heat no ac
not even the windows would go down to help me get free
Turned 19 and got a new car now
My fiancé is the best so everyone take a bow
Bout to have my first kid and shit I'm scared as fuck
When he grows up bet he's gonna be the shit
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Crimson Juice View Drop Down
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Joined: 20 December 2015
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Form: LLWLW 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote Crimson Juice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 February 2017 at 4:46pm
OK let's see what you have here..

This piece is on the short side but no matter,the first thing I noticed was the simple
innocents this drop has,simple in thats how your piece comes across and innocents
in that you had a subject that you barely touched on so it stayed a Virgin in contents and matter,it seems your verse is just rhyme based rather than material based,rhyming
the last word on each line is fine,but some depth in the way of details makes a rhyme
a poem,#suggestion,before you write a piece,jot down on paper key words or what it is
you want to convey,then write a piece by including these elements you want ppl to
read or know,then throw in rhyming a rhyming scheme and blend it together,there's
more in depth tuition out there in other threads (elevation centre) to help in this area,
this drop came off as scatty it had no clear direction really, it seemed forced and
rushed due to the length of your drop..peace.

    
"You need to learn how to make an exit,
before you can dare make an entrance".
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JackBarz View Drop Down
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Form: LLNL 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (0) Likes(0)   Quote JackBarz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 February 2017 at 3:27am
Gotta agree wit CJ,well You dd Rhyme buh to be honest the piece dd not have a clear direction,You also hindered ya self a bit tho buh I'm also workin on my writing so my feed won't matter,well it shouldn't anyway lol but the piece was readible cos the rhymes were there but it's not only but rhymes JB out ayt !!!


Edited by JackBarz - 15 February 2017 at 3:32am
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Amgin View Drop Down
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Form: LLL 		Post Options Post Options   Likes (1) Likes(1)   Quote Amgin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 February 2017 at 2:47am
Was a little rough to read. Rushed
I'm new as well to this so my feedback may not be as credible as some
Possibly you have a set beat or rhythm in your head when you write, but when others read it, it doesn't translate the same in their mind
(This is something I need to work on too)
Check out a couple [KOTM] submissions on open mic, the beat/rhythm almost becomes orchestrated in your head while you read
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