Open Mic: 60 minutes pt 1. |
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JBrenn 
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 Topic: 60 minutes pt 1.Posted: 28 March 2015 at 10:16am |
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ok.... It's five to six got done with dinner just finished ribs... plate is cleaned TV is on I can hear the ticks... (tick tick tick tick) The announcer exclaims "tonight on 60 minutes..." My stomach give a small grimace... I knew the programming I had seen the topic of tonight.... "...Serial Killers and their sinister lives!" The wine in my glass danced as I found my seat... Horror in my heart tingling in my hands and feet... "First on our list Pedro Lopez..." Oh The Monster Of The Andes... A child molester murderer luring kids with candies... The show covered his horrific acts showing his fetish for panties... Whereabouts unknown released from prison how canny... The next monster was named "Ted Bundy." Him I knew too... Commercial Breaks be damned to the tube I was glued... Bundy was an evil escape artist no prison could hold him.. Video evidence of his psychosis was the story that told him... His work was evident he left a certain mark... His case was charismatic he looked normal but was missing a heart... Alright fine something pulled me to Bundy deep in my mind... You see i was born the day they executed him same hour in 1989... (tick tick tick tick tick) My focus snaps back train of thought drowns out the sound... My thoughts trail down how Bundy could blend around... from town to town blood creeps into my thoughts i begin to frown... "John Wayne Gracy aka Killer Clown." How fucked up do you have to be to kill kids dressed as bozo?! My brain felt like it was going to explode "NO!" I yelled as i got up to refresh my glass... Pic's of the dead flash on the screen as i pass... The ache in my belly so real now I start to shake... Swing the fridge door open how much more can I take... The thirst hits me I grab the bottle and pour the liquid... "I hate clowns..." I whispered as i raised my cup and sipped it... I slowly shut the door as the glass is stained a weathered red... The fridge light goes out casting shadows on a severed head... (TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK) |
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daydizzle89
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Joined: 23 July 2014 Status: Offline Points: 3805 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 6-11-0 Form: LWWLLW |
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Posted: 28 March 2015 at 11:48am |
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jbren
This was slick man. The whole verse came off really poetic. What I liked is how you took a TV show and incorporated real serial killers. I was also able to feel the fear you portrayed. Good stuff. Some of this was basic. Your choice of wording though was very nice. The fact the way you used elegant words and had the character drinking wine and swirling it made alot of sense and helped with the vision. This was some good stuff. Good work. I haven't seen you do a topic before.
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spume corrupt
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Joined: 27 April 2011 Location: UK Status: Offline Points: 3163 Crew: Lyricist Inc. Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 20-7-1 Form: WLWLLL |
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Posted: 28 March 2015 at 5:26pm |
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Beginning to end this had my attention
Probably the best execution of a piece I've ever seen from you well done bro |
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JBrenn
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Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3778 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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Posted: 29 March 2015 at 6:30am |
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Thanks if you like my topicals the three part topic Into the woods is another good read.
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CHAIN
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Joined: 14 November 2006 Status: Offline Points: 2769  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 8-4-0 Form: LWWLWW |
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Posted: 30 March 2015 at 10:09pm |
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I was feeling the topic/concept and the story line. You get points for thinking out of side of the (fart) box
 But the little piece of shit troll above me has a point. The short lines kind of threw me off a couple of times. I'm ready for part 2. |
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JBrenn
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Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3778 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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Posted: 31 March 2015 at 8:14am |
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Was suppose to read more like a short story or a spoken word not to any perticular beat. Pt 2 is actually going to be done over a beat. Thanks for the feed from both of you!
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Titu
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Posted: 31 March 2015 at 10:57am |
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very nice bro. I had a bit of trouble catching the flow but once I got it, It was really nice.
What I liked the most is your imagery and how natural this was. You took every detail and described it effortlessly. This is the shit which keeps readers hooked. And this one was the prime example of that. You didnt rush it which allowed you to describe a single detail in as many bars as you wanted. and that was the beauty of this piece. Looking forward to the other parts.. Props bro |
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Fuck That Fat smelly cunt Donald Trump, a racist asshole who is fucked in the head.
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JBrenn
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Posted: 01 April 2015 at 8:15am |
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Thanks bruv!!! That's exactly what I wanted to do!!!
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Xces
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Joined: 21 February 2015 Location: Vancouver, BC Status: Offline Points: 143 |
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Posted: 02 April 2015 at 5:05am |
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I really like the way this is formatted just saying.
I saw the ending coming around the middle point from the foreshadow you gently placed in here be it intentional or not. however it was still executed effectively. There are a few random spots where the rhyme feels a bit forced but in general the piece held a solid flow throughout. I didn't expect any less from you though. The second line here could have been done better "A child molester murderer luring kids with candies... The show covered his horrific acts showing his fetish for panties..." In my opinion that is. There are one or two other spots where the lines feel stretched but otherwise this piece solid through out. I'm keeping my eyes open sir. |
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JBrenn
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Posted: 02 April 2015 at 7:03pm |
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Xces thanks for the feed I will return the favor.
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JBrenn
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Posted: 05 April 2015 at 6:56am |
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Prt 2 is almost done.
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Exoduzt
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Posted: 05 April 2015 at 9:48pm |
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This was cool. I really thought you seemed a bit rusty so to speak. I felt your flow was off in a couple of parts. the told him hold him bar was excellent flow wise. I feel if you kept that rhythm up thru out the whole piece this would be more of a stand out piece of work. Concept wise I loved it to be honest but I just dont think you executed it as much as you could have. More detail and facts would have helped I feel.
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JBrenn
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Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3778 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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Posted: 06 April 2015 at 1:03am |
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Exo you know I actually wanted to collab this topic with you but I decided I'd steal the whole thing... Lol good look and I read your stuff I just need to go drop some feedback.
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nomedic
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Posted: 08 April 2015 at 10:02pm |
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The story and plot here made a mean package i reckon flow wise i didnt like it that much but definatley a nice piece due to how well your story progressed and how original it looked my suggestion keep trimming the edges so the piece could appear smoother an ive seen alot of scheme orientated drops from you so i bet youll deliver on all angles next time
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Alpha&Omega
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Joined: 07 April 2015 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 31 |
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Posted: 11 April 2015 at 2:27pm |
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Just like the second part, this one was also great! I once attempted to tell a story with rhymes, but I found it exceedingly difficult, and could not have imagined pulling it off like how you pull it off. You even insert metaphors and anthropomorphic content into your stories, which is mind blowing. Hurry up with part three! Great drop! Enjoyed it.
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thryjoe
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Joined: 09 April 2015 Location: ur mans pants Status: Offline Points: 289 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-2-1 Form: LQL |
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Posted: 11 April 2015 at 2:54pm |
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That was great! I love the way it flows.
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they told me it was reality, but it's really all in your mind.
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JBrenn
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Joined: 03 May 2006 Status: Offline Points: 3778 Crew: Tha Syndicate Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 40-26-0 Form: WWLWWW |
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Posted: 11 April 2015 at 6:14pm |
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Thanks guys pt 3 will be done soon.
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