Identity Crisis 2: IC2 Round One: Battler 10 vs Battler 23 - 23 WINS

- 25-40 Lines 

- Best of 5

- Battlers will be anonymous- Votes will be hidden

- Wednesday April 5th, Midnight GMT time

- Reserves if needed, Friday April 7th, Midnight GMT time

Check your time here

Picture Topic

Edited by The Law - 30 March 2017 at 8:56pm

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

---

Twenty seven years old,
its true,
Brian O'Neil enlisted himself
Unaware of what it would mean,
or do
booking himself a ticket to hell
how could he possibly tell,
or know what to feel with the view he was given
masked by the media,
for real,
manipulated his vision
creating hatred,
concealed for so long,
calling it terrorism
another soldier at war who knows no wrong,
set to fulfil his mission
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The word choice here suffered. You used hard to follow slant rhymes and it was pretty simplistic as far as writing goes. As for content, i see where this is kind of going. Not a strong start of a verse with technicality.




Brian arrived in Afghanistan,
for the first time, seen the streets like skeletons, with his own eyes
nothing but flesh stripped from the cities bones, a violent surprise
the sun seemed to spit yellow venom, as it dripped, oozing from the skies
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
You have an understand of being descriptive. Using metaphors and such to
paint a vivid picture. The thing is you are lacking the technical part of
writing rap. The flow is almost of spoken word. I see simple end rhymes. As for the
story. I am liking it. As for the main aspect of writing rap. This is lacking a little


through thick clouds of smoke, beyond the darkness, lies a little trace of hope
looking past empty gun shells and broken store fronts riddled with bullet holes
ragged piles of rubble crumbled by tanks into dark and dusty fragments
crawls a young girl from beneath the ruins drawn to him like magnet
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Ok, this was dope with the descriptiveness. Problem again is the simplicity of the
end rhymes, lack of internals and the flow is getting hurt with word choice and
syllables not working. Im feeling pauses here and there. Stops the reader
from fleuntly engaging in a rythym


in the midst of it all after watching the cold ashes fall
gracefully like snow flakes with his back against the wall
the grim clouds part and disappear as he see's the child smile
reminding him of his daughter who he had never seen in a while
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I feel like im repeating myself but this has soo much potential if you can work out
the kinks of end rhymes, multis and if you could keep the syllable count
fluid for a proper flow.


Brian got lost in the moment presumed dead by his troop
sat in silence beside this girl with his mind in a loop
his wife sets the table with the smell of breakfast in the air
as the sun shines through the window on her beautiful golden hair
while jenny his daughter without a care in the world
twriling around in the kitchen he admired his girl
the mirage was interrupted by explosive sounds of destruction
as a barrage of heavy artillery dead set on consumption
devouring as it swallows leaving close to nothin
a graveyard of unburied bodies no one left runnin
brian unwillingly lid there in pain unable to walk
he turned to see the girl dead, crushed by a rock
he cried tears lost his mind knew he was close to death
screaming at the top of his lungs losing his breath
the sounds that surrounded him slowly faded away
he see's his daughter one last time and begins to say
its okay baby girl don't forget to remember
daddy's your guardian angel who will love you forever
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
You have real potential to have made this piece a gold star.
Problem is that you are lacking the mechanics to take this
drop to another level. I wanted to see more fluidity, more
technical aspects with the writing. More vocabulary that
matched up with a scheme. I think you have great potential
with your writing skills. You are just missing the rapping
aspect when it comes to dropping pieces like this. If this
flowed better it would have been a really dope written.

Overall - I think if you took more time maybe and fixed
your verse up for fluidity and perhaps switched up a few
awkward word placements this would have been dope sonz/sistaz
or if you have another pronounz.


________________________________________________________________________


As my ghillie suit shields, dust covers her filthy feet
Recollections are dimming dreams of the Philly streets
That I once traveled like her, an identical resemblance
Hopeless but her smile radiating angelical independence
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Ok ok ok, Nice opener. Problem i have with the opener
is the fluidity. I think if you took out "Angelical"
for the last bar, it would have improved the flow here.
As for descriptiveness, Nice. I like how you are adding
a bond between the two off the bat.


Her mother is Ereshkigal, the Goddess of Death
The calmness in her confidence is flawless as best
Her dress wears dingy as her hand-combed hair
Debris embedded in her skin as if a tan stone shared
Thoughts of my land, home, "there", tirelessly creep
& stay distant as accepting diversity, migrating sheep
As she's throwing stones against a bloodless crumbled villa
Through my scope I admire her but watching the disgruntled Milita
The guerrillas are smoldering with infuriated rage
In my ear a faint whisper clears to ensure they can't engage
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The first two lines were heading is a really dope direction.
Again i see a spot where you could have removed a word or
switched it up to make the fluidity more prominant.
"flawless as best". It felt forced. This section started off
strong. I felt like you were only a syllable or two off in some
spots. Dope story though so far. Liking this

Waiting on my command sweat trickles off my nose
Beading down my scope as I click off "The Hope"
"All Clear"... bullets blazing the unsuspecting mob
As the smoke settles I'm perplexed as there no wretched sob
More of an accepting calm, I appear to her through the deadly fog
She falls to her knees in prayer ..."Peace to Allah"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I like the vividness. Really nice way to set the environment up
and the character. You have a more direct flow. Seems like you are getting in the zone. The "Peace to Allah" was dope. Im liking this story for the most part.

Her world is a mess, I internally wept & fight away tears
Lift her from the ground & carry her to a wall that's near
She holds me as if she was my own, I only father violence
Her shock is overwhelming & she sits in harbored silence
Walking away, I turn back & take steps to her direction
Tripping over a rock jolts a smile from her dejection
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I see a few flaws with the story but over all i still feel the
strong bond that the main characters have with each other.
My issue is that you are a sniper, you wouldnt ever get into
close combat engagements most of the time. You sit back and pick
assholes off.  


Beside her I realized her eyes is where impeccable's captured
Marching past in formation I hear my regiments chatter
Sharing a chuckle evolved into hysterical laughter
The insanity we danced in was satirical banter
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Ok, you got sidetracked. I would have kepts completely on the whole concept of the girl and bonding with her. You went in the wrong direction with this segment in my opinion.

She leans over catching her breath as we mellowed
Speaking softly I lean in to hear her Hello
Her brows slant like fury detonates in her head
In a blink, I'm gushing from a pain in my neck
Her voice changes to a deep satanic dread
A sweet innocent girl is the Angel of the Dead
& murdered me in cold blood with the hidden blade in her dress
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\
Great way to end this. That is the truth about modern war in many cases. The innocent looking civilians are infested with terrorists and soldiers. That was a dope ending for sure. Flow and technical shit is still lacking but your story was pretty dope with a nice twist.


Overall - I think you could have worked on this a day longer and fixed the flow and added a little more technical internals and schemes. Not bad




Overall - MVGT BATTLER 23. The story was much more intriguing. Technically a little better than battler 10. Both had alot of potential to make these drops really dope. Battler has the better twist, better technical writing and flow.

This vote has been accepted by a moderator.

---

Wow, first battle I'm voting and what a way to start. This was def a dope battle

Battler 10,
Great story man. The image was very strong here. It wasn't hard to see what u were drawing. The gritty war torn middle eastern urban area. The image of his mind wandering to his family was dope. There was an ethereal quality about it that really worked. And that's due entirely to the concise language. The only down side I see was the story itself wasn't too original. Pieces with war settings are really a dime a dozen but with a picture like that it's hard not to venture into that trope. However u were able to seperate urself from the flock with the way u went about it. The emotion was well sketched.

Battler 23,
Haha this was awesomely written. The misdirection was well conceived. You did an effective job lulling us to sleep by the way u painted the picture of not only characters but their interaction. The poetic voice was certainly noteworthy and is something rightbup my alley. The impeccable capture line was gold imo. Overall not too much issue besides a few typos.

This is a hard one yo. I connected with both pieces for different reasons. Battler 10 had a very dreamy quality about his/her piece and battler 13 had a great poetic voice that I appreciate. The stories were both engaging. After a few mins of deliberation, I'm going with 10 he/she slightly took the mechanics category.