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The Law 
Site Moderator 
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
 Topic: IC Prelim: H4ZE vs StupendipidousPosted: 05 January 2015 at 11:58pm |
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As votes come in I will hide them from view until the battle is over. You do not need to know the battle score until it's over, if it's still open that means it's available for votes. If you have anything to say, there is a discussion thread. |
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The Law
Site Moderator
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 13 January 2015 at 1:59am |
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H4ZE I woke up in the room, tied up with many guys around Lookin in their eyes I see them laugh at me, then slightly smile I don’t know their intentions, and I'm really not the finest gal I'm begging them to let me go but cant move cuz they tied me down For days its been the same routine, I'm almost sure they'll never leave They all laugh and drink and play around and like to mess with me I feel like they might make the move of rape and its unsettling Im hopin they'll leave soon and leave time enough to get me free Hearing talk about a carnival, they say that their about to go They laugh at me and kiss at me and I watch them all walk out the do' Finally the room is clear, I'm struggling to break free I just hope that I escape before they come and rape me.. Terrified, one rope snaps, my arm is free and now the other I untie my feet and then I quickly leave the house, I'm runnin They chase me for minutes, in my mind it felt like hours though I stop hearing their foot steps as I'm turning to go down a road Finally I lose them, I go to a store and buy a mask Put it on and walk along a busy street to try and pass As a local citizen, I calmly walk aside the path Wearing masks like them, I pray to god that I can match I walked into the carnival, not knowing what my mask meant I knew it hid my face, I was escaping from these mad men In the back of my mind I knew that this run was my last chance if they catch me now they'll probly kill me, I cant have that But as I walk along the street I notice all the men again They had me held for days, I was scared to face that yet again I began to speed walk, looking back to see them follow I just need to find a place to hide so I can reach tomorrow Some how I find strength, I start running, speeding all though I was feeling held down by a pressure, I was weak and hollow I run onto a small street, to an ally where I hide and wait Look to heaven, pray to god, "don’t let them decide my fait" I begin to walk the street again, then smile with ease I look back, police arrested them, I'm finally free… |
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The Law
Site Moderator
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 13 January 2015 at 2:00am |
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Stupendipidous Death has two faces, one that u see and the other is for the after life... A grafting mite, he will take your soul... no longer will u laugh at night. I yearn to Say goodbye to this bastard life just to no longer be trapped in mine. To kill is an art, i am strong, u are weak behind this mask i can see past the eyes... sold my soul to walk this path i chose, u can keep it... as I am no longer clasping life.. do i need something to live for?maybe love? Nah im free and ready for the lasting night... As the darkness comes, il find my target to take his life and burn his soul... If he happens to get away, il never stop the hunt... its outragous right… ive earned it all. The devil is in me... a meager demon inside forcing a way out and i need to free him... My face behind a mask of his face, a tribute to the last of his race and i need to be him.. I plead and bleed to be a breed that sees the need to devour the need to please him... raise hell just to bury this life, so share in my strife as i deflower the need for grievance. Il heed these demons,, and seed their seedlings i will become the master of fate.... see sheep and cattle as i peep the battle bestowed upon me a with a mask on my face. the hate in my soul is so creative and bold, below the song sings for the last of this race. As u and all the pacifists prey, il take another soul.. the devil? he likes them fast in this way Il be dancing all day just to practice my game, theres only one winner as activists say... They practice it pIain, they weave past all the rain so i hope u dont forget to factor in pain. Im Just a jester? To u maybe,,, but to the people that know. il be the last face ul ever see. Im soulless... heartless... and unforgiving! but im not mindless go ahead, try to sever me... ....youll never be a worthy match... im clever see I would say u might be best to leave... Invest in me?... we wont be friends, il be here to take ur soul! u cant fight a jester team.. Nor bring death to me, u can even bring the best of teams... il kill u just to leave u festering. A tale of two stories... just fables, theres Life on the right... then death to the left of me... Dont be fooled by the bells on my hat, nor the blue in my eyes... beneath i am faceless... I hold no identity, im meant to be an entity... ur death is near Ive been sent to embrace this.. As u face death, il look through u to the other side... do not repent me in my greatness... Resenting me.... inventing things.... to destroy me is meaningless, im not material... One time... u will see me, next u wont as in ur eyes it will seem to be ive got habitual... People see at it as light... and dark, but its more A ritual of the two sides in life and death.. we Try to hide the face, and this is the price we pay... we slay so u wont like whats next... this dark side turns against the light on this painted night, i promise it wont be a painless night. I came here just to take his life... ive never failed u should come to live in My frameless mind. |
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Nigma
Site Moderator
Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4078 Crew: Elision   |
Posted: 13 January 2015 at 3:20am |
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Hayss, Tremendous storytelling. Technically very well written for the most part. You've got a solid grasp of how to rhyme, but you're now also becoming good at choosing when to rhyme with what, which is way more important. "Walk out the do" was probs the weakest nt in the verse, gave the fluidity a hiccup. Also hated the wording in your last line, ending with 'and finally I'm free' would have sounded so much better.
"I don’t know their intentions, and I'm really not the finest gal I'm begging them to let me go but cant move cuz they tied me down" ^This is perfect flow. Understanding why this is better then some of your other lines and applying it to future lines would benefit you. Stewpanneduzt, "I plead and bleed to be a breed that sees the need to devour the need to please him..." Nice stab at a flurry of singular syllable multis but i think multisyllabic multies would have been a better choice at that point in the verse, you didnt do enough with the line to justify repetition of need, either one of those could be reworded fairly easily. "Il heed these demons,, and seed their seedlings i will become the master of fate.... see sheep and cattle as i peep the battle bestowed upon me a with a mask on my face." ^This, the last line especially, was very nice, best all round lines so far in the verse. Sections of the last quarter were sick, you just preaching. Overall, I feel like the verse came across as a mix between a character introduction and the thoughts of said character, and I think having some for action or conflict would have enhanced the verse overall. Your best sections were on par with a lot of his high points however I feel you were edged on consistency here. Hayss was better technically, wasted fewer words, and left more of an impact. +1 H4ZE |
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Dono
Newbie 
Joined: 03 January 2015 Status: Offline Points: 14 |
Posted: 13 January 2015 at 4:44am |
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h4ze: I felt your story had a great build up, the storyline was straightforward and had a way of drawing in the reader. One major problem I had is I didn't understand the motivations of the kidnappers. All I got was that this girl got kidnapped, then escaped. I was looking for more and a little let down considering the imagery was pretty good. It just didn't really feel like it had a climax and supporting details were sparse. How did the police know to arrest those men? etc.
Stupendipidous: Your rhyming was a lot more intense than h4ze mainly through integrating a lot of internals, however for quite a few of the lines I felt like you were rhyming just to rhyme. Your story was jumbled and difficult to understand, and I think partially it's because of the way you used your multis. I think there are some deep themes underneath this piece, but they didn't come across very clearly. This is a tough call for me to make considering how different the pieces were. I tend to vote toward what I think is the stronger story, regardless of technical strength, but in this case it's not totally clear to me. Vote goes to h4ze for a more coherent story. Stupendipidous could have taken this had he made the language a little clearer and more meaningful. There was just too many times where I was like .......what does that even mean? It rhymes but does it really make sense and drive a narrative? Good battle to both, cheers.
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HollyPritch
Banned 
Joined: 21 September 2014 Status: Offline Points: 21 |
Posted: 13 January 2015 at 11:56am |
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Both verses tight, is a close call
H4ze- Your verse is strong and ur writing is on point, u have got a good use of multis and a clean structure, but what let it down for me is the story u chose to go with, its a bit harsh with the whole rape thing Stupendipidous- Your topicals are always your best, this verse is quite poetic, i like the story u have chosen to go with, u have a good use of multis, and i like your use of questions through out as it provokes thought. MVGT- Stupendipidous
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iLL ScriptureZ
Standard Member 
Joined: 13 May 2014 Location: NJ Status: Offline Points: 2477 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 11-5-1 Form: LWWLWW |
Posted: 13 January 2015 at 5:10pm |
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H4ZE – You did a
pretty good job setting the tone with your first couple of bars. Gave me the
gravity of the situation. About how you don’t know where you are, a female,
surrounded by guys and tied up. I do think though, once you told me you were
tied down the first time, I could’ve done without the second time. The story progressed,
to me, almost a little too fast. When they guys left, I wish there was more of
a struggle to get free for dramatic effect. It almost felt too easy for her/you
to get away. Then, there was no mention of the guys noticing she was gone. It
was like she was running and the next thing I get is they are chasing her
through the carnival. However, you did pick it up when she is using the mask to
blend in. That was a creative way to bring in the picture. Really enjoyed that
part. Again, when she notices the guys again. You used speed a couple times
which is just a wording issue. That is easily fixable. Then when she’s hiding
they are arrested. I’m fine with the ending, I just wish there was more of why
they got arrested rather than just running around? So, there are some things I would’ve
liked to be different but you had a story, emotion and some visuals. Stoop – First thing
I grasped was that font and size sucks when you’re trying to concentrate and
read a piece. Your rhyming was extremely on point. It was way better than your
opponents. The internals and externals switching or staying consistent was
really packed throughout your entire verse. Your approach was completely
opposite. You kind of had a metaphor for which the mask that people where every
day to hide who they really are. And in this particular case it’s an evil
person. I’m always in for some evil shit so that got me from the jump. My
struggle is with, the delivery in which you told your “story”. There was one,
but there wasn’t one. It seemed almost vague to me. I’m struggling to find an accurate
word for my description and I’m just not finding it. Anyways, I think the
rhyming hindered the piece. I think the focus should’ve been developing the
character more, the story, who he was killing, why, how he was. You had some descriptive
parts including the mask itself in the picture. The metaphor you were going for
was fantastic, I just think it fell short with execution. Overall Verdict – Thought
this was yet again another tough battle to judge. Each artist came with their own
take and it really was on two different sides of the spectrum. I really have to
lean to which one I actually enjoyed more. Was it just the consistent rhyming
of an evil person? Or was it the story, blended into the picture? MVGT – H4ZE |
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The Law
Site Moderator
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 13 January 2015 at 8:40pm |
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3-0 H4ZE Wins.
Holly's vote does not count, for obvious reasons of being stup's friend. She only posts on stups OM's and battles as well. This is agreed upon by staff and scotty. Feel free to post these as Open Mics now.
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