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The Law 
Site Moderator 
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
 Topic: IC2 Round One: Battler 9 vs Battler 24 - 9 WINSPosted: 30 March 2017 at 3:04pm |
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Identity Crisis: Round 1 - 25-40 Lines - Best of 5 - Battlers will be anonymous- Votes will be hidden - Wednesday April 5th, Midnight GMT time - Reserves if needed, Friday April 7th, Midnight GMT time Picture Topic  Edited by The Law - 30 March 2017 at 9:19pm |
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The Law
Site Moderator
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 05 April 2017 at 1:22pm |
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Battler 9 *COMERCIAL BREAK* 'Tired of lewd rumours that leave YOU choked? Do what YOU do - And use blue for a smooth smoke! No loop holes, it's like you can't have fun all a sudden, Smoking stops stress and helps a bun in the oven, Your son is a good'un if he takes up the habit, And your daughters rad if she sat up to grab it, Erratic dopes make jokes, but are too crass to confess it, Passive smoke?.. Damn, these commies are passive aggressive! Here's a message - To all the lefties who'd escort me away! You'd better report me, cos us gents smoke 40 a day!' *TV OFF* They can say 'fine', but I started age 9, Now I decay and my face displays time, Take my mistakes, now I feel all candid, Please heal my heart - To see a grandkid, See the rancid effects as I drop - THUD, God stood, as I woke up to cough blood, Off drugs cos i'm ready to feel once more, If they could look one way, seal one door, I'd make sure I woulda ended myself, Drag to the end, I wasn't a friend to myself, End to my health, get no dose for free, I miss walking.. Talking to those close to me, Hopefully we believe, and our freedom flies, Next time a teen dies from legal highs, Feeble minds reminded of the dollar signs, Holla blind and ignore what a scholar finds, Gone a time they'd dart past mournings, Now's the class of half assed warnings, It's past calling out companies - My mind is- Assigned to accepting how precious time is.. |
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The Law
Site Moderator
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 05 April 2017 at 1:22pm |
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Battler 24 a little girl is looking uphill at the blue calm sky dancing by the lush lawn, raising her palms high living in a fairy tale where she doesn't play alone her siblings giggling, they couldn't stay at home ringing from the grass, playful, innocent laughter lighthearted children who the kind spirits look after a wondrous time, their world is magical, dreamlike the kids lived across "a grey town of steam pipes" father was there at the works, the breadwinner "dad wins food every day!" so they're fed dinner rain or shine, daddy comes home by the evening she runs to hug him, her face genuinely gleaming best place in the world, in the embrace of father "my princess.." she knew nothing could harm her modest yet blessed, whether with a smile or a cry the world seemed safe, through the eyes of a child if only it could last forever.. however.. rooted in reality, a day came along to plant a seed "daddy is gone.." the words disturbed her fantasy "is he coming back?" a little girl wondered, nervously "daddy is elsewhere now.." mom withheld, purposely the home is silent and cold, she was forced to fathom darkening her imagination like a source for phantoms a little girl watching the sky, turbulent, overshadowed taking two breaths from a cigarette, both were shallow with an aftertaste of death, her outlook ain't past that still she kept them, cause it was her fathers last pack tending for her siblings, some things being required "no more playing now sweetie, mom is feeling tired" a little girl sees the night... her thin wrists quivering distant red lights seen through the mist, shimmering like beacons amidst the black summons her to come wishing things calm again, she's humming on a tone what things would she do simply to make the days? a once faithful gleam in her look quietly fades away she's going on an adventure.. away from her home she's calling for the kind spirits.. but they were gone awoken, from heavy burdens that lies on her mind after tonight, she would never see the world again.. ..through the eyes of a child |
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Nigma
Site Moderator
Joined: 25 March 2013 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 4078 Crew: Elision   |
Posted: 05 April 2017 at 7:49pm |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. LOST MY FUCKING VOTE FOR FUCK SAKES FUCK YOU BOTH I DONT KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT FUCK YOU BOTH ITS YOUR FAULT Battler 9, I said so many fucking nice things about how good this verse was. Intro stanza reminiscent of 70s commercial ad. Second stanza painted wonderful picture from first sentence. Excellent character development, she was believable and felt empathy towards her. Very solid verse, no complaints. Battler 24, Fuck sakes I wrote like twice as much in your breakdown and was like 2 sentences from posting when it got deleted god damnit. I said something like slow start but intro section affordable with long line limits. Less natural wording than opponent. Stuff like "dad wins food every day!" not very believable. Stanza with dad gone missing gripped attention, the wording in the last bar was very nice. Wrist quivering/mist shimmering was cool imagery, interesting direction in the end but it felt kinda.. slow. It was an interesting journey but the ending lacked impact for me. Overall, 9's verse was concise and extremely effective. 24 drew his verse out a bit and had areas of weakness. Also, I wrote my first vote like a FUCKING GENTLEMEN, now I don't give a fuck. +1 Battler 9 |
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Cuba
Senior Moderator
Legendary Assassin Joined: 14 June 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 12332  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 47-22-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 05 April 2017 at 11:58pm |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Voting this one first as it was my personal favourite picture out of the full set. So I have high expectations. Sorry guys. Battler 9 My old friend!! Number 9!! We go way back to when Eduardo was rocking your number. Good times. But seriously, I liked your lyricism right off the bat and you had a unique approach to start this off in commercial mode. I really enjoyed that whole segment. The second one I was a bit half and half on...I liked the lyrical approach (particularly within the short bar format) but I think there was almost too rapid an advancement in the narrative to make you stop and pause and really engage with the character. I thought you captured a good "voice" for the commercial which was a touch 'over the top' but worked & you got a couple of good jokes in there...but I'd have liked to have seen you condense it down a bit and really give an insight into the character, as I thought the image screamed out a character piece. But maybe that's just me. Stylistically it was polished and overall you scored big on creativity in terms of the approach, and it was an enjoyable read. But lacked that kind of added extra in terms of a character that would really get me excited. Very good drop all the same. Battler 24 Jack Bauer!! What a great show you used to be part of...you've taken an interesting turn to come to internet battling. Should've stuck with the TV, more money in it. But seriously, I felt very much in two minds whilst reading this one...in one regard I really enjoyed your descriptiveness and I felt like you did a real good job creating an image. It came across slow but deliberate in pace like you wanted to be meticulous in painting the scene. I personally really appreciate that level of detail, and it was throughout this piece. I think for me where you fell down was really creating a convincing and compelling narrative...and your descriptiveness actually hurt you at points because of that. What I mean by that is, for example, the bit about her taking her dad's last cigarettes just really lacked credibility and authenticity for me...I was like, just feels over the top, and then you do yourself more damage by being really descriptive around it. Just places more emphasis on it & detracts from the vibe of the story. I think really you basically wrote this about any girl then tried to crowbar the cigarette thing in as a feature. To an extent you might've got away with that if you'd left it at "two breaths of a cigarette, both were shallow" as that was beautifully poetic/descriptive...going beyond that makes it a bit melodramatic in my view. That kind of plays out in the ending...in that I really loved that "through the eyes of a child" thing, and I really loved that you repeated it. Just gave it a lot more power as a phrase. I also liked the open endedness of it as that seemed to mirror the vibe of the picture. I think the challenge was it was a bit overly dramatic about "shes going away"...I think ultimately it's the pure level of descriptiveness between her dad dying and when you close it out. As it feels like it's an emotional response to her dad dying but then you've included detail which suggests significant time has passed. For me it's little details like that which have clashed and create a sense of confusion & undermine the credibility of the narrative. All that said, I still think it was a very good drop. Conclusion It's very tough to decide, you can tell both are high quality technical writers...both with different strengths but with real compelling strengths at the same time. I think for me reflecting on this I am leaning more towards Battler 9...I felt they had the more creative idea and did a better job of execution. I felt Battler 24 had beautiful descriptions and some real strong poetic constructs but if I take those away I think what's left isn't as compelling as what's left for Battler 9 & therefore I think they had a more complete verse and should get my vote. Vote = Battler 9
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Exoduzt
Superior Member 
NaCl Joined: 08 April 2006 Location: Long Island Status: Offline Points: 5331 Crew: Elision Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 41-7-5 Form: WWWWWW |
Posted: 08 April 2017 at 1:59am |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler 9: Your approach and perspective on the topic was really fucking dope. I would have never thought of that. It's out of the ordinary but such a great concept. "No loop holes, it's like you can't have fun all a sudden, Smoking stops stress and helps a bun in the oven, "---dark line. I loved it. This is how theses commercials use to be actually lol. " Erratic dopes make jokes, but are too crass to confess it, Passive smoke?.. Damn, these commies are passive aggressive! Here's a message - To all the lefties who'd escort me away! You'd better report me, cos us gents smoke 40 a day!'"--nice way to end it. Flow was smooth. This whole first section was really well thought out and put together. The concept is so simplistic yet so brilliant at the same time. Your next section is obviously from the other point of view. "They can say 'fine', but I started age 9, Now I decay and my face displays time"--easy going flow mixed with facts. Nice rhyming as well. I wasn't a fan of the THUD bar tho. It just didn't seem to fit. " I'd make sure I woulda ended myself, Drag to the end, I wasn't a friend to myself, End to my health, get no dose for free, I miss walking.. Talking to those close to me, "---This was nice. It was good to see this get a little more personal and reflect on the characters anguish. This was a really nice bar. " Hopefully we believe, and our freedom flies, Next time a teen dies from legal highs, Feeble minds reminded of the dollar signs, Holla blind and ignore what a scholar finds, "---mechanics were great and I was loving the reference to legal highs. Also ignoring what a scholar finds was a nice play on words. I'm really feeling the second section of your drop. " Gone a time they'd dart past mournings, Now's the class of half assed warnings, It's past calling out companies - My mind is- Assigned to accepting how precious time is."---I was really liking the half ass warnings part but not your finishing bar. It felt a little forced just to end it quick so to speak. But overall You had a great take on the picture and executed your concept really well. Mechanics were basically top notch too. Great read. Battler 24: Your opened up your verse beautifully. Painted a vivd picture in my head with your words and thats what I look for most in topicals. the way you described the blue sky and the girl dancing was really nice. I also like how you introduced the grey town with steam pipes in your last line. Great concept placement. " ather was there at the works, the breadwinner "dad wins food every day!" so they're fed dinner rain or shine, daddy comes home by the evening she runs to hug him, her face genuinely gleaming best place in the world, in the embrace of father "my princess.." she knew nothing could harm her"----this had a poetic intelligent vibe to it. Flow mechanics were on point and again you pianted a vivd image in my head. I wasn't a fan of the last bar tho. Flow was off for me. But I can feel the build up in the story. " rooted in reality, a day came along to plant a seed "daddy is gone.." the words disturbed her fantasy "is he coming back?" a little girl wondered, nervously "daddy is elsewhere now.." mom withheld, purposely the home is silent and cold, she was forced to fathom darkening her imagination like a source for phantoms"---Flow wise it was great but it seemed a bit simplistic to me. A little bland so to speak. I feel this section overall was kind of a step down from the previous sections. It wasn't bad it just wasn't as vivid. " a little girl watching the sky, turbulent, overshadowed taking two breaths from a cigarette, both were shallow with an aftertaste of death, her outlook ain't past that still she kept them, cause it was her fathers last pack tending for her siblings, some things being required "no more playing now sweetie, mom is feeling tired""----Welll this is by far my favorite section. Flow is flawless but the fathers last pack line was amazing. That was great. Execution on the picture as well. Also how you made the mother not want to be bothered was pretty dope. Nice work. " a little girl sees the night... her thin wrists quivering distant red lights seen through the mist, shimmering like beacons amidst the black summons her to come wishing things calm again, she's humming on a tone what things would she do simply to make the days? a once faithful gleam in her look quietly fades away she's going on an adventure.. away from her home she's calling for the kind spirits.. but they were gone awoken, from heavy burdens that lies on her mind after tonight, she would never see the world again.."----This section started out really nicely. Killing the concept making me feel for the character. But I feel it was rushed a bit at the end maybe? I feel there should have been more of power line or something. overall this was a great verse. MVGT: Battler 24...Both writers had great concepts but overall I felt Battler 24 had his story and imagery edging out his opponent. The pictures he painted in my head were fucking dope. Close battle tho..great verses by both |
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Rutter knows best
Senior Moderator
Joined: 15 March 2014 Location: Manny hood Status: Offline Points: 4529 Crew: EMPIRE  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 44-12-0 Form: WWWWLW |
Posted: 08 April 2017 at 9:42pm |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler 9- You had a simple but decent angle here. I def preferred how you executed the first section. The passive line was my favorite. i saw what you were ding it was clear and quite cleverly done here. The for argument was always gonna be harder and i liked what you did with it. The second half you switched it up. It worked but not as well. Its improved in the second half. The contents were good on both sides. The second half was a lot more serious, while i appreciate both i did enjoy the first half more. Overall good job Battler 24 The first half was tidy enough, it set the tone. I knew i was dealing with a little girl who has a father who works but that's all i got. Story wise i'm not that dragged in, but on the descriptive side you did a good job and had some nice lines. Moving on you came with the dad dying. I wasn't that fond of the first section it did his job but the rhyme scheme n word choice could've been better. Now i'll be honest after that all i got was she went from having to grow up/take responsibility " no more playing now sweetie" (btw i would of dropped now)...To her dying. Again some nice descriptive line but narrative kinda got lost in it all. First verse had two styles. Both had really strong points. Second i felt could've been executed a little better but such short lines we're always gonna be a challenge.Just felt like i wanted an extra syllable or two. The second verse show some god descriptive kill with a back drop of a narrative to follow. Lost me a little in the end but but it was the more poetic verse. I felt the first battler def impressed me more with the mechanics side and was the one i enjoyed more in the end. Good job to both vote battler 9
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#bananas
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AshleyKaos
Standard Member 
Joined: 11 October 2013 Status: Offline Points: 2521 Crew: Tha Syndicate  Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 28-63-3 Form: LWLLNQ |
Posted: 08 April 2017 at 11:24pm |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. VERSE1: holy shit this shit was dooooope as fuck. you fucking killed it. by far my favorite piece of the battles that ive voted on as of yet. i like love all of your multis and structure and your concept was so complex it was hard to wrap my head around it then at the same time it simply incorprated aspects into the essence of it so that they stood out. loved the meta's thought the drop was totally signature and very interested in finding out who it is... over EXCELLENT JOB. FAV BAR: Erratic dopes make jokes, but are too crass to confess it, Passive smoke?.. Damn, these commies are passive aggressive VERSE 2 I liked it i thought it did okay but it kind of bored me and i did not see how it was related to the picture really. i mean yes the little girl but idk i think you could have been a bit closer theme wise within the concept that you could have picked. you were a little bit to wordy and kind of half wasy through i had to push through to read the rest. needed more life to it and you need to tighten up your multis a little bit i thought it was cool that you did a story type theme to it however when you do those types of drops you need to make them calculatingly consistant through out. over all this was an easy one aned due to it just being the better verse of the two overall MVGT- VERSE 1 |
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NUMBER 1 FEMALE MC TILL THE DEATH OF ME
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Amgin
Groupie 
Joined: 31 January 2017 Status: Offline Points: 140 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 0-3-0 Form: LLL |
Posted: 09 April 2017 at 4:24am |
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This vote has been accepted by a moderator. Battler 9 Very creative piece It started out very strong, fuck, I don't smoke but I wanna use blue. The writing style and content right away set the tone for an old fashioned cigarette commercial, which I was impressed by. You didn't have to tell me it was a certain date, but your lyrics set the scene. Carrying on to *TV OFF* I enjoyed the story and the message was good. But I feel it wasn't exactly up to par with the first verse so the more I read I became a little more uninterested. But, that's not to say that it wasn't well written and an impressive piece of work. You kept a good rhyme scheme, the transition from door-sure-myself was great.. An amazing transition in such few words. Overall, an entertaining read Battler 24 I loved this story. Very well articulated and explained. But in the same breath I can't get over that I believe this may of been just a 'short story'. You used a lot of end rhymes which becomes predictable after a few. And the simplicity takes away from the enjoyment of the verse. MVGT Battler 9 Based off being able to set a tone/time frame, creativity with verses. And overall talent of rhyme schemes Battler 24 your piece had a lot more meat to it but I wish you would of had more flavor in it. |
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The Law
Site Moderator
God of the Minions Joined: 15 June 2013 Status: Offline Points: 5504 Text Rank: Unranked Stats: 64-8-8 Form: LNWWWW |
Posted: 10 April 2017 at 1:23pm |
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Battler 9 Wins 3-1.
The votes from Ashley on aren't in the battle count as it was already over. They do still receive a voting status for putting in the work though.
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