Open Mic: The Keys To Survival

Bright white lights; curtains closed for comfort,
Tonight's the night; it's certainly the number;
November 11th, as fitting as snug blankets,
Remembrance of blessings; splitting the smug banquet.

(the imagery here was nice and subtlety done i thought,from the snugness of a
blanket on a winters night,to paying homage to soldiers via using a date to tie it
all in,(and true enough we do owe them our blessings),from the off i knew i was
in for a treat,cool start..)

This was the last time, he opened his eyes, "Come closer, please hear me"
Oh how it's all flashed by, broken in cries, I took hold of his hand dearly
“Do tell, Stanley, you know how much I love your stories”
“Even when they're boring?” His humor roared 'till the last torrent.

(the curiosity killed the cat scenario this ain't,this is fascination and intrigue,i'm
liking where i think this is heading,a front line slant where regret replaces mem-
ories,i'm getting the impression there's guilt attached also,this is some fine writing
with sprite,even at this early stage within the verse,yep I'm hooked now as to find
out the what's and whys..)   

Though, his look began changing in an instant; serious contemplation,
Mysterious, locked in patience, emotion ranging with insistence,
Voice drained and gaining distance, I knelt close, “Please go on, I'm listening,”
The sweat on his forehead glistened, his words meeting with resistance,

“I'll start at the beginning...”

(some classic suspense writing here,i'm just as eager as the person with him who
is listening to find out what's in store lol,your displaying some cool depiction and
edge of seat writing,impressive..)   



“William was...ambitious, we knew he was corporal quality,
First to arrive, last to leave, to us his regimen was a horrible oddity,
At first we poked and prodded, never gaining any reaction,
Till the day he saved our lives, it's been ingrained inside my actions...

(this new character you've thrown in the mix sounds professional,and straight laced
too,do they mock him for fun,or is it jealously at first?,anyways he seem to me to be
a role model of sorts,obviously plays a big part within this verse as you've mentioned
he's your saver,damn i'm finding this piece gripping and engaging,props..)

He paused for a sip of water...

We became pinned in a church tower, surrounded beyond relief,
Beams were crashing around us, pounding down to the streets,
The enemy entering the stairway, we had minutes, maybe seconds,
He smiled before he left us, “You know, I always enjoyed your jokes,”
And with those words, he broke, through the hall he began sprinting,
Yelled, “Go now and take the window,” that's when we heard the click of a pin,
The explosion that followed is something, I can still feel it within,
Knowing he sacrificed himself, so that we could make it back to our kin.

(yep the attention to detail was done nicely here,i could picture old timbers and roof
tiles falling and crashing down to floor level,William certainly gave you and the rest
the ultimate gift in his sacrifice,Life,i'm really liking the subject matter within this
piece,not only did he give you the ultimate gift,he also displayed a quality trait that
most ppl don't know even exist,selflessness,almost had a hive mentality etched to
it,for the greater good scenario,it brings a lump to my throat knowing shit like this
did happen for real in war time,ripe..)
,   

“Oh Stanley...I'm so sorry, dear...”

“Charles was a joker, Christ, he'd make knees go weak with laughter,
He pulled the biggest pranks, never minding what happened after,
Took his punishment in stride, he'd say “A smile is all that matters,”
Washing dishes, cleaning crappers, to him, the fun came with his pride.

(man sounds like the sort of guy who could make mourners laugh at a funeral on
Christmas Sunday,jovial and unfazed,nice to read for a change some of humanitys
greatest assets,(selflessness/humour/sacrifice) this verse is forcing me to delve
into the story rather than the mechanics,it's refreshing to feed from this prospec-
tive,perhaps I should make this a habit..)

On a typical Tuesday, we'd been tasked with tending to patrol,
We started taking fire, from where? I'll never know,
I was struck in the shoulder, swung violently to the ground,
Gunfire kept erupting - somehow I was protected, but I'll never forget the sound,
When our team eliminated the enemy, I crawled backwards, looking down,
Charles had given up his body, for me, and in his blood I was now drowned.

(damn lady luck is walking hand in hand with you eh,you must of been popular with
your troop,again solid vivid imagery on show here,this piece is also refreshing in parts
due to you using half/near rhymes scheme,it seemed to elevate the story and details,
its forcing me to take note and keeping me peeled in the process,i'd really like to read
a OM containing you and SELF,it would be fire,and SELF if you view this shoot this guy
a pm and make it happen..)

"Stanley... I... I don't know what to say..."

"These men, I called them brothers, loved them all as so,
They were the keys to my survival, and I've continued to let them know,
Every Sunday evening, I took flowers to their graves,
Without them, I'd be dead, my road is one they've paved,

Please keep up the trend, memorialize their flawless deeds in bliss,”

And with that, his last words were “I love you”, then he made me promise to honor his wish.
Back to Top

(all through this verse their have been some subtle emotions expressed which has gripped me,(thank God we have Poppy day and Remembrances day too) as you high-
lighted at the start with the date, 11/11,I've really really enjoyed this read here,the
sacrifice of a generation for a generation was Stella,as with the internal sacrifice with
in a troop,reminded me of that series in away,Band Of Brothers,I've enjoyed this from
beginning to end,thanks for sharing,all that's left for me to type now is Ripe work
indeed..)

Peace.